I am a mother of two loving boys. Our house has been full of snuggles and kisses and hugs and affection since my oldest was born in 2011. Other than the fact he was not a talker, more of a babbler, I never had ASD cross my mind. However, by the time my second came along, I had a 3 1/2 year old still not talking, nothing more than Mommy and Dadda, and a handful of words between the “deedle, deedle, deedles.” One person brought up the idea of getting him assessed, but my pediatrician, who I held in high respect at the time, assured me he was a boy, that they spoke later sometimes and that it wasn’t to be worried about. After all, A would hit his milestones even if only just, every check up.
Eventually we moved across country, with 6 month old G and 3 1/2 year old A seemingly taking it all in stride. I admit, I was stressed, excited to be back on my home coast, but trying to cope with two little ones and a busy traveling husband. Not to mention my main supports were left behind.
After a new pediatrician was found, A was unable to complete the check up due to his extremely upsetting screaming and desperate attempts to not get touched by the doctor. I had never seen him quite so upset before but figured it was all the changes and new doctor etc. I was not impressed by the doctor myself and we left upset and shaken.
Fast forward many meltdowns and tantrums later, my sweet A had turned into a terrible toddler finally! What had we done by moving him? Was the move worth it? Would I ever get him back? I was devastated and could not pin point one thing but many big changes in his life which I was sure caused all the troubling behavior.
Jump to pre-school. Terrific idea. I hated the idea of leaving him anywhere without me, being a baby wearing-attached parent to both my boys. However, I needed a break!! After a few weeks I was called in for my first meeting with the head of the school and his main teacher. Suggestions of evaluations (for what??) and his lack of speech and language abilities were brought up. So, we found a new doctor, took him in, and she suggested an Occupational Therapist evaluation, as well as starting him with Speech Therapy. We went for what we thought was a diagnostic appointment. It was another terrible experience.
“Take this brush and brush him 10 times on each arm 4 times a day.”
That was it. No explanation or communication of what it was. Finally, after we probed the evaluator a bit more she reluctantly said there were areas of concern which qualified him for Sensory Processing Disorder and that he would be starting treatment for that.
Gee. Thanks.
I brushed his arms twice, saw no point and binned the brush. (Have yet to see how it would have helped him). We did not return to the center.
Fortunately, the speech therapist was amazing!! She did a full speech and language evaluation, declared where he was speech delayed and how she could help. We started treatment immediately and the improvements in his speech blossomed to sentences. I mean, a lot of it from movies and shows, but talking and communicating his basic needs was HUGE! He had WORDS!!! We were thrilled. Things started to calm down a bit…
To be honest, my husband and I were in mixed and completely separate stages of Grief. Yes, grief. Because that is what it is. I did not come to realize this on my own, I had help getting there, but we all, as parents of special needs kiddos, will go through these stages as we come to know and understand our special needs kiddos. It is natural and OK. Remember that. Allow it then live on.
So my husband at this point was in denial, he stayed there a long while. Also quite normal, quite typical for one parent to be more in denial than the other. Very important to understand this as it may help you navigate and survive the difficult times ahead. I struggled with his denial thinking it was just blind optimism. Looking back I wish we had known better what was going on in our little family unit, perhaps the hard times could have been easier…however, now, we are stronger than ever and we have made it through. That is really, all that matters.
As for myself, I believe I was going through multiple stages at the same time, bouncing around the depression and denial, anger for sure, bargaining, and perceived acceptance which turned out later to not really be acceptance at all, just a mind trick I was playing on myself. Eventually, I got there, but the journey was overwhelming, lonely, scary, and draining.
Little did I know that I was to be broadsided…
autstanding 