THE GREAT MELTDOWN OF COVID-19-TX-M.OC.H.A. TRIBES & TROOPS
Between BFF’s this morning:
Me: Morning! How’s your mayhem this morning? I’m already tearing out my hair. Two meltdowns already!! One from each kiddo. -it’s not yet 8am
BFF: It feels like Groundhog Day
We chat a bit on messenger back and forth, jokingly commiserating the circumstances of being stuck in our households with our children and family and pets….I hear a request for “Finding Nemo” and stand up from my puzzle for 2 mins to go sort it out for my youngest. Mind you, he’s already had a meltdown this morning over a makeshift car wash I made him being not quite right in some way so I had to come to the rescue and fix it. I think, great, Nemo and I can zone out on a puzzle over coffee. I had gotten so far the night before, excited to be working on a jigsaw, a passed time I used to love before kids. My oldest is now 9. It’s been at least that long….
I return to my BFF’s messages with the picture above. ALL my work I had done until 2:00am (time spent on my own as I had no time on my own all day and needed the quiet), had been completely destroyed. It took him a moment. A fraction of a moment.
Me: Pic sent above to BFF followed by a mommy meltdown rant:
I had stayed up til 2am last night doing all the yellow of this very difficult puzzle. Yes I’d tested him to make sure he wouldn’t do anything like this and yes I don’t leave it unattended. I have a roll up.
He asked to watch Nemo. I went to the TV room to turn it on. Calling for him as he ran out fo the room. He wouldn’t come back so I went to get him. This is normal. However, he was standing at the table destroying my (bleeping) puzzle!!!!
Now BOTH kids are in their room probably commiserating what terrible parents we are
I’m popping ALL my prescribed anti-depressants and hiding. I was supposed to be in TX. At my mama’s get away today. I should be sipping mimosas meeting mamas face to face who get this (bleep). I’m not and I’m lucky to have the breath to say so.
Speaking of breath, my dad was driven to detox last night in (Place). So at least he’s safe for now. Cant’ breath anymore though so he’s limited on time anyhow.
Life is (bleeping) great!!!! Right?
And so another glimpse into the life of special needs parenting, the lockdown affects of a pandemic that is so scary and trying to deal with family both within the confines of our home and outside where I can not do a damned thing.
I wonder sometimes, so many things….things I do not like to voice or make real thoughts. Also, I struggle with my immense love and gratefulness to have what I have, to be where I am and to have the will to write still. These days were not always a part of my life, these hard days, and yet I barely survived those. These days, THESE moments, the hard ones that start at wake up before the sun is ready to show itself, are still the days that I live for.
Depression and bi-polar awareness. Before the Blue Month of April arrives, I’m coming out with it. I’ve got it all, I am grateful, I am sad, I am mad, and I am alive. I am still healthy, my kids are healthy, I’m “finding the joy” today. Wish me luck!
I am a Mom. I am a Caregiver. I am an Advocate. I get paid in unconditional love, in progress and by the amazing support of my very hard-working husband who is the greatest Dad to our two boys.
Our first child came in 2011. He was orange haired and big, 9.5lbs…yikes! He was a butter ball. Just perfect and delicious! His eyes came out green like Momma’s and his skin tone white with freckles like Dad’s. He will be taller than both of us, over 6’ according to the trajectory of his health chart! He has his great grandfathers build. He is smart, has an amazing memory, is super creative, and is sensitive, so empathetic. He is my first born and just perfect. He is also diagnosed with Autism-mild, ADHD, Anxiety, dyslexia, possible dysgraphia and possible other things…really, just all things to help him get the supports he needs to thrive in life. At his core, he is who he is. Full of silly laughter, big smiles, a warm heart, intense loyalty, a strong justice gene, and a fundamental belief in the good.
My second and last child, was born in 2013. The boys are a year and a half apart. He was born looking like an old man. Poor kid was induced early, for fear of another large infant and my ignorance I had a say. He had the umbilical chord wrapped around him and was blue as can be. He recovered fine though, no need for oxygen or anything. But he was checked on a lot to be sure. His skin would be tan like mine, but he won’t go outside much in the daylight. His eyes are closer to Dad’s and his Gran’s (my husband’s mom)…hazel green/dark blue. He has moles rather than freckles, but other than the should be darker skin and moles, he looks just like his Dad. A little mini-me of my husband. Same sandy dark blond hair, same darker eyes, same features. His body is more like my husbands as well. However, he is due to grow over 6’ and will most likely be taller than his big brother! He had a level 4 tongue tie. Something I thought would stretch and break on it’s own. I was a naturalist momma. Keep those sharp objects away from my babies!!! He was able to nurse just fine, and we got to take him home. He was diagnosed first, his symptoms were classic…development fine and then massive regression. He was around a year old when we noticed. The doctor at my other son’s check up saw it, and referred us to an “evaluation” which I did not understand at the time. Anyhow. He is Severe-Autism, ADHD, non-verbal. Although, 10 years on, I don’t like that term for him. He chats all the time, mostly scripts, mostly needs and wants. Rarely anything novel comes out, but when it does it is brief, but magical!!! He progresses every day.
My life went from social to isolation pretty quick. Other’s noticed the differences with our kids, my youngest was unsafe to take out for years. So, here are our stories. Jumbled up, in reflection, looking forward, retrospective. I try to write about our progress, our hopes and show the raw side of living a life in a house of neurodivergence. You are not alone, we are many. It’s time we showed ourselves to the world and stopped hiding our kiddos away. They deserve to be celebrated, included, loved.
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