Author: Vic.E.

We are entering a new phase of perseverance. Power lines! Along with the new found obsession, we are also seeing a lean on an old favorite, car washes. This is generally how my youngest kiddo works. He is my diagnosed Severe-non-verbal ASD/ADHD. I suspect his non-verbal is more adequately described as semi-verbal now. That is, he talks, a lot, mostly in functional script, some spontaneous / novel language emerging.

As littles, both my sons (both ASD/ADHD) had too many toys. Yes, I bought everything and anything I thought would or could help them. Get them out of their shell, help them develop or catch up. I tried it all. LOTS got donated, but, much was kept due to the fact an attachment was formed that I could not understand. Neither wanted to play with the item, they just wanted it there. It had to be around, accessible. Not disappeared. Admittedly, I had to re-buy a few of these items due to multiple meltdowns and for the shear sake of my own sanity. Then, watch them get strewn on the floor and seemingly ignored. Baffled me to no end!!!

I am a neat and tidy person. I like things to have a place. To live in their place. I live in the opposite situation. To help alleviate this anxiety inducing problem, I binned things in transparent bins, usually in some kind of order. Plastic trains. Wooden trains. Other trains, etc. blocks, legos, duplos. You name it. Over the years, things have been packed up in these bins and tucked away in the garage. Sometimes for a year at a time, until one crazy full moon night, my youngest says, “where’s such and such” and I take him out to the garage and we retrieve it. When he goes to school, I find something that has been ignored for months, pack it up and replace it into the bin we just emptied. It helps. His anxiety is controlled, he does not worry that it is gone forever and, bonus, it is less mess for me!

One thing has been pretty constant over the years. An old shoebox turned car wash. There were not any back them, not just the way he liked so I made one for him. He guided me. This was years before language was even remotely decipherable. But we did it with pointing and YouTube videos. He played with it until it has gone soft and wonky. Finally, at age 10, needing the comfort of the familiar while he explores the new information of power lines, he asked for a new car wash. He is very firm with me, I must wait and he will tell me precisely what to do after school. We worked for an hour last night making brushes from felt. Just the right size, the right colors, the right order. His fine motor skills are too poor to do it himself, or I would make him do it. With each brush I finished the smile on his face made my heart leap a beat! Today we will finish the car wash, just so. We will print Shell station signs, make a top wash that can come down. He will keep it on my kitchen counter for months now. After we are done making it, we will go for a walk and look at all the power lines in our old neighborhood. He will point out transformer cylinders, control boxes, ladder pegs and internet lines. We will talk about squirrels and birds sitting on the wire. He wants to go to “electrician school” and climb the poles.

Then we will come home, and I will be making an electric pole to attach to his car wash, because clearly, it will need power to run.

When there is so much to be grateful for, the bitterness can still seep in. When you are truly happy, excited and proud of all the achievements, bitterness still tinges the elation. This happens in all sorts of circumstances, and almost always, it hits you unexpectedly.

Proud of the fact your kiddo said a new word, but his older brother made a friend, they are not far apart in age, they should both have friends, but that is not the life we live.

Speaking to a dear friend today, about many heavy subjects, I was so pleased to hear her young son diagnosed with ASD speaking so well, fluently explaining where a marble had rolled under the refrigerator. Tears came to my eyes as I felt all the feels. The amazement of his achievement at only 4 years old, non-verbal only a year ago. Excitement that he is growing and thriving, getting the supports and developing faster than I had thought he would, based on my incorrect benchmark of my own son. Relief for her, for him, for the future.

Then it hit me. The sadness. The jealousy. The why not my kid?? Why is it still such a challenge for my boy to explain something complex? Why can’t I have a conversation about anything…my boy is 10. He is still struggling with words yet his communication is to be celebrated!!! Non-verbal diagnosis at 3, he can say his wants and needs, he can express what he is feeling. Spontaneous speech is emerging, but it is far from fluent. It is not on demand. He does not have a friend. Not one. In fact, he really does not get a long with the other kiddos in his class. He struggles with the kids he interacts with that are neurotypical for obvious reasons…but he wants to. He wants to be a part of them.

And it all stings. Watching another child, even a child with Autism, sail past my son, go beyond his capabilities. It hurts. This is grief.

I try to remind myself of all the progress, of the things they thought he’d never do that he excelled through. He is smart. He can read. He can do math. He is present. He is affectionate and empathetic. He is amazing. And yet, it stings.

It stings because, one day, hopefully a long way off still, he will be on his own. In a group home probably. He will have support staff. Roommates he will surely not like, maybe his brother will visit, I hope! But he will be alone mainly. He will not have the love he has now, surrounding him, cushioning him from the world. No one will ever love him like his family. Like me. No one will see the brilliance, the purity, the light within. That is the fear I sleep with each night. What happens when I am gone? Who will love him?

When starting out on this journey, finding out about Autism and what to do about it, even before we got the diagnosis, this is what I wish I had known or had the strength and wisdom to have done. Perhaps this information would be helpful to others just beginning their journey.

I wish, first off, that I knew better than to just take a Doctor’s word for anything. They are not saints. They are human and make mistakes. Some terrible ones. We have brilliant doctors now, but even still, I research myself even after asking all the questions because I know better now. For example:

“Boys take longer, they will talk in time, don’t worry”

“He’s hitting his developmental milestones right at the last minute mark, and he’s ahead in some areas! Don’t worry”

Those two remarks and discussions that were dismissed so easily by our pediatrician at the time, lost us so much time and prolonged the unease I felt that there was something going on. Did I believe it was Autism?? Heck no! Doc said no, so no. Right? Wrong. So so so WRONG! But at the time I wanted to believe it was ok, I was a scared new momma, I trusted in my gut that my perfect baby was just that. And really, he was…just a different kind of perfect. And that’s ok too. But there was something…I should have pursued that something.

I wish I had asked and pushed and switched doctor’s. Asked for second opinions, didn’t trust those reassuring validations around me from people who also wanted to believe all was well. Told myself, ‘let’s just to make sure,’ to get me to go through with it all, rather than allow myself to just accept and sit tight.

I wish more than anything, I had known that although it would take a year to get a diagnosis, getting appointments for assessments. Getting an appointment wether for private or public assessments, is difficult. I could have done something in the meantime. ABA was not available to me until I had a diagnosis of ASD, but I could have started with the most important therapies. Speech and Language Pathology and Occupational Therapy. Fortunately, with my oldest (whom we began our journey with, but ended with his diagnosis last), we did that. I put him into speech because a child that is not speaking does not need a diagnosis to get speech therapy. We had him in Occupational Therapy because he was diagnosed with the often co-morbid Sensory Processing Disorder. We thought it stopped there, with SPD, but learned much later that SPD does not present itself on it’s own. It comes with something. Something like Autism, or ADHD, or some other diagnosis.

I thought I could do it all. What they do not tell you about a major diagnosis like ASD is how it will affect your relationships with just about everyone. Friends, family, and especially, your spouse. I have known of divorces happening because this life is not easy, and not everyone climbs on board. Often one parent throws themselves into it head first, absorbing every article and book and trying everything they hear about. The other often goes through denial. This is not a gender problem, but rather, tends to be a personality type, in my humble opinion. However, if the relationship with your spouse is strong to start, I believe that time and persistence and patience, will find everyone in the same book, almost always on the same page, eventually. This is just personal experience, I can not speak for all dynamic relationships but it is my hope that those that can, will fight to make it work and support each other as best they can.

Early intervention is so heavily emphasized by everyone once a diagnosis is achieved. Unfortunately, it is rare if you can get it in any timely manner and you find yourself panicking over time and minutes ticking by. Like I said above, concentrate on what you CAN get. Get speech if needed, get the OT to come work with your kid, or Physical Therapy or tutor for special needs. Start the IEP process at your school and get services for your kiddo in the classroom, yes, even without a diagnosis. They will find a way with your persistence and advocacy, to bring supportive services. If not, move. Move to an area that will. It is so important.

Lastly. But possibly most importantly…find your village! I wish I had found mine before years of isolation ate me alive, ate our family alive. But find it I have and building it up I am. Find online groups, facebook has awesome groups local and national and even international, to join. Just knowing you are not alone, no matter what is being thrown at you is invaluable. Someone out there has had experience in the same things and will give you a virtual hug and let you know it will be ok. One day, you will be that person for someone else as well!

Live every day doing what a dear “friend” of a leading mom’s group has said…”Find the Joy”. Even if it’s tiny, even if it’s buried beneath a day of poop smearing or eloping, or head banging, self injury or refusal of everything. Find the one piece of joy and hold it tight. Remember it is these joys that will get us through the moments of hardship. And that finding the joy will get easier and suddenly the bad days will be just that. A bad day. Not a dark journey down the rabbit hole we often find ourselves stuck in.

Last point. That rabbit hole. It is always there. Waiting for you to fall through it and travel the crazy journey Alice did, only made just for you. Remember another parent is out there, another carer. Go online, go to a local group meetup (when we can again) and connect. Connect even if you are as introverted as I am and hate it until it’s over. Because after…you will discover that somehow that rabbit hole is no longer your home and you are living above it. That you will be brought out of it every time you slip and that we are the village that can keep you out of it.

So my youngest, technically “non-verbal” but I prefer “semi-verbal” kiddo, realized yesterday that he could not go to his favorite places no matter how he tried to do the “right” thing. He even offered to go to school, he HATES school!! He tried to sneak outside, tried to pull the door off the hinges when just unlocking it did not work.

I highly recommend some of these: The Original White Door Guardian, Since 2010. Do Not Be Fooled by Imitators. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B004RL1IMC/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_tai_DesHEbH12AJG8

It began around 10:00am, ish. It has not stopped. Even though his daddy took him out to a drive through car wash, he got very upset when he had to come home. I had to stay out front with him for a long while, trying to chase him back in. As predicted, when the time came and it started getting cold, I had to pick him up-all. 60 lbs, 4’2’’ of him, kicking and yelling, gripping the door frame. Finally, his father and I got him in and full meltdown ensued. My heart hurts for him. He dos not understand and there is not a way to make him. Why is the toy store closed?? People being sick does not make sense to him, he just keeps asking to wait for the doors to open and to go to wherever he wants to go…which is anywhere away from here. Home.

Then there is my other kiddo. My big boy. My 9 year old teenager. His voice is changing, unbelievable!!! Very noticeable now that I am with him all day and the cracking and groggy sound I thought was from waking stays with him all day most days. He is definitely deeper than his little boy sweet voice used to be. My oldest knows, he knows what it is that is causing the changes. His ASD/ADHD challenges are different, as I have written previously. As they grow older, it has become more obvious than ever. He gets it on a deep level, he misses his friends and is happy to FaceTime or google chat or zoom. The understanding is all there…but his anxiety because he knows so much, is also stronger these days. Some OCD behaviors have begun again. Anger has resurfaced as a sign of frustration and deregulation. I am hardly equipped to teach a kid, let alone special needs kiddos. Yet, we are trying our best to cope with assignments and still, both of us, end up yelling, in tears. Setting a good example, I made finger mazes with raised puff paint for each of us. When anyone gets escalated, the idea is to remove themselves, me included, do a maze, breath, reset. So far, I have failed to remember this! I’ll have to post it on my forehead I guess!

No parent is perfect, every parent is struggling. It sure feels like the struggles on my plate could potentially be exponential. Up until the end of spring break I have a free pass to sort of let it all go. Then learning has to begin, and the fighting, the horrible feeling of failing my kiddos as I have been thrust into this roll of not only full time MOM, CAREGIVER but also SPECIAL NEEDS TEACHER. Oh, and let us just add THERAPIST while we are at it…because who else will be able to help my youngest get through this? If only we could put it on a timer, count the sleeps…anything that he could tangibly grasp to help him know, it will end.

It feels like forever for him, forever for me, and like a really really really LONG summer for my oldest.

So

So here we are, another week of isolation. I am an introvert, I do not mind the lock-in I am under. The virus has me terrified for people like my COPD father, my family and as an asthmatic, myself. However, what I thought would be a nightmare with two ASD kiddos off schedules and routines, no therapies, no extracurricular activities or such, has turned out to be…actually, “quite nice,” as my youngest would script.

Our usual schedule is so hectic, the boys have school followed by therapy each day. Mon-Friday and Saturdays are the one fun thing for my oldest…Kung Fu!

My oldest loves his school but struggles to make new friends coming in at the middle of the year. Yet, he LOVES the weekly meetups online with his classmates, seeing their faces, hearing their chaotic voices all at the same time, does not phase him. He smiles, he waits patiently to speak to a friend he has become closer with because of this situation we are in now! Two kids that were not that close now have a standing play date (on computer video of course) to chat and share toys and nintendo tips etc. They can talk for hours!

My youngest is happiest NOT seeing anyone from his class. The fact he can just do as he pleases for a change, play with his trains and car washes, the hose, water in the sink, and just BE, has really helped him blossom in a way. His speech is better, he is more relaxed and the potty training is no more, it just works! He goes, there are no accidents!!! Novel language is not flowing as such, we have a lot of scripting, echolalia, but also, SO much more spontaneous sentences!!!! This is HUGE for him. Usually he has speech twice a week which has done wonders for him, but the NOT having the speech, is almost like a breather to digest all he’s worked on, a pause to process. It is a wonder, HE is a wonder. He smiles, he says he’s “Happy” a lot. He has his Daddy home which makes him calm and relaxed. The whole family together. Predictably unpredictable.

My husband and I are happier having time together after work, we share adult serious conversation over a cuppa, or laugh at the satire found on the internet over the whole COVID-19 and Presidential blunders. We can relax and not feel rushed for bedtimes and routines and stressed to get everyone enough sleep to survive the next day. It has been really nice connecting, co-parenting has been life changing for my anxiety levels. If only I had a live in cleaner or housekeeper though….

So we are some of those that are benefitting. We steer clear of everyone. We do not go out unless for food or medications. We do not take walks much, not me especially as it seems my neighborhood does not understand the meaning of “social distancing.” Besides, we are so used to “social distancing” due to our difficulties coping with social things, we are fine. We are good. We are happy. Happy as we can be.

Now…disclaimer, we still have ASD, ADHD and ages of two boys to contend with on rainy days stuck indoors and meltdowns. We have over and under-stimulation. We have our reality still, our “autism moments” but they are easier to deal with because we all have each other, because the pressures are off. Because we are taking the pause and embracing our gratitude that our loved ones are safe and healthy (currently) and hopefully stay that way.

So many are not as lucky with this. I feel their pain as if it was the end of last summer all over again…

I am contented. I am also…not doing the homework and homeschooling. It is not required yet, so why push it? Our kiddos, we parents, all work HARD 36/8! We deserve to take the break.

Cheers!

Between BFF’s this morning:

Me: Morning! How’s your mayhem this morning? I’m already tearing out my hair. Two meltdowns already!! One from each kiddo. -it’s not yet 8am

BFF: It feels like Groundhog Day

We chat a bit on messenger back and forth, jokingly commiserating the circumstances of being stuck in our households with our children and family and pets….I hear a request for “Finding Nemo” and stand up from my puzzle for 2 mins to go sort it out for my youngest. Mind you, he’s already had a meltdown this morning over a makeshift car wash I made him being not quite right in some way so I had to come to the rescue and fix it. I think, great, Nemo and I can zone out on a puzzle over coffee. I had gotten so far the night before, excited to be working on a jigsaw, a passed time I used to love before kids. My oldest is now 9. It’s been at least that long….

I return to my BFF’s messages with the picture above. ALL my work I had done until 2:00am (time spent on my own as I had no time on my own all day and needed the quiet), had been completely destroyed. It took him a moment. A fraction of a moment.

Me: Pic sent above to BFF followed by a mommy meltdown rant:

I had stayed up til 2am last night doing all the yellow of this very difficult puzzle. Yes I’d tested him to make sure he wouldn’t do anything like this and yes I don’t leave it unattended. I have a roll up.

He asked to watch Nemo. I went to the TV room to turn it on. Calling for him as he ran out fo the room. He wouldn’t come back so I went to get him. This is normal. However, he was standing at the table destroying my (bleeping) puzzle!!!!

Now BOTH kids are in their room probably commiserating what terrible parents we are

I’m popping ALL my prescribed anti-depressants and hiding. I was supposed to be in TX. At my mama’s get away today. I should be sipping mimosas meeting mamas face to face who get this (bleep). I’m not and I’m lucky to have the breath to say so.

Speaking of breath, my dad was driven to detox last night in (Place). So at least he’s safe for now. Cant’ breath anymore though so he’s limited on time anyhow.

Life is (bleeping) great!!!! Right?

And so another glimpse into the life of special needs parenting, the lockdown affects of a pandemic that is so scary and trying to deal with family both within the confines of our home and outside where I can not do a damned thing.

I wonder sometimes, so many things….things I do not like to voice or make real thoughts. Also, I struggle with my immense love and gratefulness to have what I have, to be where I am and to have the will to write still. These days were not always a part of my life, these hard days, and yet I barely survived those. These days, THESE moments, the hard ones that start at wake up before the sun is ready to show itself, are still the days that I live for.

Depression and bi-polar awareness. Before the Blue Month of April arrives, I’m coming out with it. I’ve got it all, I am grateful, I am sad, I am mad, and I am alive. I am still healthy, my kids are healthy, I’m “finding the joy” today. Wish me luck!

Well, we survived. I can not say that the whole “Potty Party” thing worked, as it really only succeeded in making us all crazy, my kiddos bum sore and the ONLY win out of it was he DID, eventually, after over 4 hours, urinate into the toilet. He screamed and got mad and ran away after.

However, we have succeeded in getting him to use the toilet, and the nappies have been put away. A new set of super cool, Mario and Luigi underwear was bought, and each day, all day and into the night, I am on task to make sure he goes when he shows the signs of needing to go. (You know, the potty dance.) Is he potty trained? I would say no. I would call it toileting, or diaper free, but not trained. He refuses to use ANY toilet but the one he was sat on for hours. We have 3 bathrooms, but only that one he allows after much coaxing and bribing, threats etc, to go use the toilet. The threats are minor, i.e. no more iPad until…no trains until….First potty then you can have…..(preferred thing), etc.

To be honest, I found the approach to the entire “Potty Party” for my kiddo, unsuitable. The idea, in basic terms, is that he was to sit on the toilet until urination was successful. We set up a table of salty snacks, yummy sweet crackers and loaded him up with water as much as possible. The kid had to go! But he refused. Why? Well, it is difficult to say. He is determined, has his own ideas, likes to be in control. Also, sensory issues play a big roll. I cranked up the heat to be sure the bathroom was warm and comfortable. There were special steps for his feet for comfortable positioning, a soft, cushy seat (the biggest I could find) that would keep him from falling through. Now, to be fair, it would seem that generally, most kids sit for 20-45 mins and are successful. But not my kid. Nope. Each moment felt like, would be the moment, surely he was ready to burst! We wanted him to be successful, we wanted him to know it was going to be OK, that it was actually, easier and no big deal. He had other ideas. Clearly.

Two days in, hours at a time sitting on the potty, I began to worry he would get hemorrhoids, that he was being scarred or traumatized, or that he was, essentially, winning the war. After wiping poop for the passed almost 9 years, I just could not mentally wrap my psyche around doing this forever. It scares me to the point of lowness, a depression I can not describe, complete defeat. This potty thing, this “party,” was for me. No doubt. I knew he could because he did for a year! It was just getting through the mental block he had created. The laziness and ease of having someone else take care of it all for him, the fears, the sensory issues, the WHATEVER IT WAS!

I hardly slept those nights. I cried. I consulted and vented and pleaded my Autism Groups for help!!! The idea that we may not succeed was so daunting I felt I could not entertain it at all. He just HAS to use the toilet!!!! He’s 6!!! Next year is 1st grade!!! This momma needs just ONE win for herself in this Autism battle. YES, I am selfish in this subject.

So, after they were all tucked in and asleep, I Googled and found Autism Speaks had a method for potty training a child on the spectrum. It made MUCH more sense to me, and now that we had the one time of him successfully urinating on the toilet, he knew what this was about….perhaps I could make it work?

Well, after two grueling days of “Potty Party” with ABA staff on around the clock, I wrote to the BCBA and told her there was a new agenda. A new method. To please help and support me going forward trying this new way. They did, of course, happily help me! They were as perplexed as I those passed couple days, of what would make it work for my kid. We were all searching for new ideas.

Next morning, 5 mins on, 5 mins off. BAM. Just like that. When he knew he only had to sit for 5 mins, he happily sat. No fighting. He did not go, and was not told to continue sitting, but allowed to stretch and play! Timer goes off, we try again and I prompt and front load, only 5 mins of us trying, then more play. That is when it worked!!!! Literally, I. Could. Have. Cried. Then again, after about 20 mins, 5 mins on, again success!!! And so on.

Since, we have dealt with a few accidents, or rather, refusals to go on the toilet and soiling himself. He puts his clothes in the wash and wipes up some of the mess. Washes himself and redresses. Each time. And so it goes. Here we are, two months in. Still prompting, still bribing, still having an accident occasionally, which is really his way of not complying, because he definitely knows what is happening and what he should do…but, baby steps. He is pretty much dry and soil free as long as I stay on him, and watch for the signs. He no longer has to be told only 5 mins, he just knows, sit, go, wash and play. We allow him to watch a video while he tries, he doesn’t want to sit there without his device to distract him. There is definitely a sensory issue with letting it go into the toilet rather than a diaper, a sensory problem when it splashes back on his legs (still using the little seat which is too small for him). However, this is progress. This is HUGE!!!! This has given me a bit of my sanity back!!!!!!!!!

Would I recommend anyone trying the Potty Party approach? Maybe. Provided they allow for stretching and standing and not force the kid to sit until success. It just is not practical, and in my view, abusive. It broke my heart that we did it for even two days, and I regret I did not stop the whole thing sooner. I was a desperate Mama, not an excuse, but a reason why I allowed it. Everyone said, some kids take longer, some take a couple hours, etc…and I felt like, OK, this is just how it is. Deal with it. Now that I have found the other method on Autism Speaks, a much gentler approach, a workable approach, I wish I could turn back time and have only done the whole thing using that method. Shoulda, woulda, coulda.

Parents are not perfect we make mistakes. We hold expectations too high sometimes, too low others. We try things, we mess up. I messed up. I trusted in the team rather than my gut. Remember Mamas, always trust your gut.

Since last I had the energy or time to sit and write. I am not entirely sure I have it now, but it has been bothering me that I have not kept up on my writing so here I am.

It is Saturday. The sky is light because we switched our clocks back a week or so ago. Time is difficult for me to keep up with as well. It is not just the writing. Also, the laundry, SO much laundry I realized my children have too many clothes!!! I will be clearing out drawers and minimizing in hopes it will keep me on the laundry train and thus, less laundry with less stuff.

Where else am I struggling to keep up on life? Oh so many places….dishes are a real downer for me. I have a system which helps me a bit. The idea is to create less of an overwhelming appearance and organize it all for ease of transfer. Because, of course, the dishwasher is ALWAYS full or on the go! I put all utensils in a sturdy cup with soapy water to give them a head start. I place largest plates on the bottom, work my way up by size to bowls. All nice and neat and with a quick rinse, prevents them from congealing together as they await their turn in the dishwasher. This only works with myself doing it as when my husband is home, the dishes are too frequent and large and messy. (He is a chef by hobby). Anyhow, I do this whole process after washing dishes by hand became time consuming and damaging to my hands. Yes, gloves would be a good idea, just not a practical one for me. Dishes are constant, constantly.

There is the small detail of now having two dogs. One is small Chihuahua mix with Dashund, the other is more medium, mix of Chihuahua and we believe to be Whippet. They are therapy dogs, they are rescues. They shed. I vacuum a lot, I also bust out my trusty Bissel a lot. The with pup, still not house broken 100%, the older one-just happy to follow suit. Rescues.

I am thrilled with my ability to at least get things hung on the walls after almost 2 years since move in! Yay me!

Now, explain to me surfaces.

Everyone in this house suffers from surface dumping except my ADHD/ASD kiddo ( my eldest) who is meticulous about putting things away. He has it easy however, as he has 3 things he plays with and they all have a home. The dining room table, for example, is prime dumping zone. It is the first room after entryway and therefore, mail, pens, homework, school fliers, work packets, deliveries, random toys, etc, all get neglected here. These things often do not have a permanent “home” to organize them in, at least not right away. Homework is homework. It stays on the table until it is done. Mail….oh mail…how I despise the advertisements and junk; that is generally, what we get. Mostly, I get the mail during the beginning of the week and toss it all into the recycling or file it. My hubby loves mail, he opens it all, adverts, etc, then leaves it. Much like the deliveries which get opened, then, inside packing materials and box get left opened on the table, empty of whatever came in it. Sometimes it stays that way in the entryway; equally a dumping zone, naturally.

My kitchen has things. Canisters, small appliances, dry rack, compost bin, meds box (otherwise we forget to give my kids their supplements/medications), knife block, dog treat bin, etc etc etc….ughh!!! Then, on top of this, my kids electronics seemingly live on the counter…mainly due to the fact they have them for meal times to watch shows. Yes, I am proudly, THAT parent. The space is full up. Now, add mail (more), delivery items which tend to make it to the communal kitchen top and then left for what seems like ever until I find a place to put it.

And laundry room. I miss having a closed off laundry room. Ours is the go-between a section of the house. It is a decent size, has potential for cuteness as I have organized it all so many times before. It has the signage, labels, the humor. It has the baskets for laundry, the little wicker ones for handy soaps etc. We have a basket to conceal electronics while being charged up. My father made me a wooden surround and surface for folding. Generally, it is a mess. ALWAYS. There is the laundry, the tools, the toys (broken-to-be-fixed) and miscellaneous STUFF. Again, another surface, another dumping zone.

My conclusion? My point? I am drowning in STUFF. Some necessary. However, it has a place that sits empty, waiting for the items to return. Most of it is redundant. Just duplicated variations or excess. We live in excess. ALL OF US. Those tiny house people I envy. I would do that if we could. Every homemaker feels this way I think, at some point. In my situation, I find myself needing less and yet unable to get rid of things. I have a young sentimental hoarder and an adult practiced one. I have a house of ASD and ADHD necessary regulatory tools and OT objects which are continually a support in our house, yet take up space. I admit, I have a book problem. I love them. I keep many I reference or enjoy on repeat, or have just to look at and ponder the great story it was…my escape. My hoarder side resides there. We all contribute and have our ‘things’ but HOW I ask, do we get it under control? How do I create a clearer space in my already very limited time? How do I either come to terms with, and accept, or change it?? This is the sliver of life I long for order and clarity and sanity…the only place I have any control.

Where do I start?